The Universe Is Testing Me

As you know — or maybe not– I recently quit my job. I was asked to transition into a full-time teaching role but my heart just wouldn’t let me do it. I had several reasons but the two that pulled me most strongly were the need to dedicate my time to my family, and the pull of writing. If I go to my gut, my deepest intuition, I know that those are the two passions of my life and that if I have the privilege of pursuing them, I need to honor that.

However, I’ve noticed that even when you know deeply that something is right, doubts will arise. And the Universe will throw opportunities in your way to test your resolve. A phone call came last week, with the possibility of a part-time position elsewhere. I considered, briefly, but had to say no. And today I was yet again offered the chance to have my old job back, on possibly negotiable terms, and yet I had to say no again.

How crazy, to say no to a job when the world is so fragile and uncertain. How lucky I am to have the option. I feel almost guilty, uncourteous. Who am I to think that the Universe will continue to provide me with possibility? What happens when my luck runs out?

And yet, why should my luck run out? Why should I expect anything less than freedom and possibility? Why believe that opportunity is scarce, that it could all go wrong at any moment, so we must cling to whatever security arises?

Letting go feels scary, but liberating. It’s a good place to be.